Jumat, Maret 06, 2009

I'm so tired. Physically and mentally as well. I feel tired of myself, basically. I keep on thinking about my new excitement around hijab, the multiple colors that they have (and I wonder, why am I attracted to colors?!), how to dress as a hijabi properly, I kept reading articles and watching youtube about hijab and Islam. Which mainly is filled with people that would stand up to their beliefs, shout at the person who's insulting Islam and Muslims, cursing them, etc. And I thought to myself : why are these people spending their time doing this unimportant things (yea standing up to ur religion is important but not that important to waste a lot of your time. Espescially in the Internet with a lot of Hypocrite out there.) that doesn't really represent Islam with the kindness of the heart and proper language to one another? Why, if you could spend those time by doing something really important, like praying, recite the Quran, talk to ur friends, study, or just do something that is useful and not spending a lot of your time doing something that you think is important but its only skin deep.

What I've been meaning to say is that; I've been looking at things only skin deep. If I really want to do this, I have to study more, pray regularly 5 times a day, be consistent, try to learn how to recite with tajweed, and got to know more about Muhammad (pbuh) that so many of people love, but I don't really know why.

I'm so focusing on my wardrobe that is... even its true that as a women, I have to be more concious about myself, not only what I wear but also how I behave and act but to really practice what I learned over the years and to study more. I can't always be like this, everything I do is always never concluded till the end. Always half done. Even in work.

I know what I'm supposed to do : I have to be nice to my mother (which I just use high pitch voice to her this afternoon and answering her question hesitantly), I have to pray 5 times a day (which is super hard cos I'm a lazy person and I skip a few prayer today), I have to be nice to my parents (which is kinda hard cos I have problems with them), I have to recite the Quran and learn tajweed (very hard if you're a lazy person like me with shaitan holding every inch of your body to not even touch the Quran), I have to be nice to my friends (it's not that hard, actually. Aside from the fact that I had snap at one of my friend yesterday).

I know, I'm too open about my life in this blog, but I need to let it out somehow. I don't know who else I can talk to about this matter. It's not like all my friends are all religious and easy to talk to. I feel the guilt is playing inside me and I can't talk to anyone but myself. I'm the type person that tend to over-think everything.

What is really important in this life actually? This is a question for everyone who is reading my blog.

I'm struggling with my beliefs and how I'm going to do this, so help me God. Insya'Allah I'll find the intention I need.

3 komentar:

Asha mengatakan...

Salaam Sis,

I think you need to have a balance with everything in life. Of course you have to place a higher importance in your religion but there are obligations in this world that you need to fulfill as well, don't forget.

Sis, if you are struggling with your imaan, then start slowly to build it up. Don't have to go into a mad rush and do everything at one go.

Start by doing what is obligatory of you like your 5 daily prayers and then incorporate other aspects like reading the Quran after each prayer. You don't have to read a long suraah but a short one will do.

InsyaAllah, try this out bit by bit. You have to make transitions in your life, not merely change overnight. Have you heard the hadith about not overburdening themselves with religion?

Bukhari :: Book 1 :: Volume 2 :: Hadith 38

Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded; and gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, the nights."

I used to leave the Quran on my shelves for months because I was too lazy to read anything. You have to start somewhere yes? ;)

If you set your intention right, and that is to become a better muslimah, Allah will guide you through. But of course, it doesn't come easy without putting in hard work yourself! ;)

Take care sis!


Sis Asha

Mina mengatakan...

Hmmm i guess everyone has their own interests when it comes to Islam, some are purley interested in hijabs and outfits whereas others are into reciting Quran learning hadiths sunnahs etc...

One step at a time sis, you'll get there:)

Rere mengatakan...

Thank you dear for your support. its just that i read an article yesterday about hijab being only a cloth and we shouldn't make a big deal out of it cos even if it is important, what really matters is to consistantly doing the routine praying and to learn the quran and memorized it.

my lazyness is really a big issue for me right now. lol.
again, thank you for your support sisters. :)