Jumat, Maret 06, 2009
I'm so tired. Physically and mentally as well. I feel tired of myself, basically. I keep on thinking about my new excitement around hijab, the multiple colors that they have (and I wonder, why am I attracted to colors?!), how to dress as a hijabi properly, I kept reading articles and watching youtube about hijab and Islam. Which mainly is filled with people that would stand up to their beliefs, shout at the person who's insulting Islam and Muslims, cursing them, etc. And I thought to myself : why are these people spending their time doing this unimportant things (yea standing up to ur religion is important but not that important to waste a lot of your time. Espescially in the Internet with a lot of Hypocrite out there.) that doesn't really represent Islam with the kindness of the heart and proper language to one another? Why, if you could spend those time by doing something really important, like praying, recite the Quran, talk to ur friends, study, or just do something that is useful and not spending a lot of your time doing something that you think is important but its only skin deep.
What I've been meaning to say is that; I've been looking at things only skin deep. If I really want to do this, I have to study more, pray regularly 5 times a day, be consistent, try to learn how to recite with tajweed, and got to know more about Muhammad (pbuh) that so many of people love, but I don't really know why.
I'm so focusing on my wardrobe that is... even its true that as a women, I have to be more concious about myself, not only what I wear but also how I behave and act but to really practice what I learned over the years and to study more. I can't always be like this, everything I do is always never concluded till the end. Always half done. Even in work.
I know what I'm supposed to do : I have to be nice to my mother (which I just use high pitch voice to her this afternoon and answering her question hesitantly), I have to pray 5 times a day (which is super hard cos I'm a lazy person and I skip a few prayer today), I have to be nice to my parents (which is kinda hard cos I have problems with them), I have to recite the Quran and learn tajweed (very hard if you're a lazy person like me with shaitan holding every inch of your body to not even touch the Quran), I have to be nice to my friends (it's not that hard, actually. Aside from the fact that I had snap at one of my friend yesterday).
I know, I'm too open about my life in this blog, but I need to let it out somehow. I don't know who else I can talk to about this matter. It's not like all my friends are all religious and easy to talk to. I feel the guilt is playing inside me and I can't talk to anyone but myself. I'm the type person that tend to over-think everything.
What is really important in this life actually? This is a question for everyone who is reading my blog.
I'm struggling with my beliefs and how I'm going to do this, so help me God. Insya'Allah I'll find the intention I need.